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Women in the Arena
Women in the Arena is the celebration of everyday women living extraordinary lives in plain sight. We seek to inspire, encourage and challenge you to reach for the great heights you're made for.
Women in the Arena
Redefining Resilience: A Woman's Unyielding Battle to Reclaim Her Dreams with Michelle Gates Roberts
🚀 Have you ever felt like life’s transitions stole your dreams? Join us in this transformative episode as we sit down with the incredible Michelle Gates Roberts, who bravely shares her journey through early pregnancy, battling a debilitating illness, and living in Asia for a decade. Despite society's expectations to simply "be content," Michelle faced isolation and depression head-on, emerging stronger with a mission to empower women facing similar challenges.
🎯 Key Takeaways:
- 🌱 From Grief to Empowerment: Discover how Michelle turned her deepest grief into a powerful force for good.
- 🔥 Trailblazing, Not Trailing: We redefine the term "trailing spouses," highlighting the courage and resilience required to navigate life’s biggest transitions.
- 🧘♀️ Embracing Stillness: Learn the importance of acknowledging emotions, embracing quiet moments, and using strategies like journaling to unlock new possibilities.
- 👩👧👦 Challenges for Women Over 40: Explore the unique struggles faced by women, particularly single mothers, in today's tough economic environment.
- 🤝 Power of Community: Understand how group coaching and community support can reignite dreams and provide the connection we all need post-pandemic.
This episode is a must-listen for any woman looking to reclaim her dreams, find her voice, and build a supportive network where no one has to face life’s challenges alone. Tune in and be inspired to turn your own transitions into triumphs!
https://www.linkedin.com/in/michelle-gates-roberts/
Welcome in everyone and thank you so much for joining me again this week. This week I have a very, very special guest because her heart is with service for others. My guest this week is Michelle Gates Roberts, and she is in service of others that are in transition. She is a keynote speaker, a coach and a consultant and she specializes in supporting individuals who have to postpone or give up their dreams that are due to overwhelming or systemic change. Now think about what that means. They have to postpone or give up their dreams. That must be heart-wrenching. She draws on her own experiences and from a global perspective, and she helps navigate their grief and also explore other possibilities and give them the courage to dream again. It is my pleasure and my honor to introduce to you Michelle. Michelle, thank you so much for joining us and welcome to the show.
Michelle:Thank you, audra. It is an honor to be here. You have had some of the most amazing conversations with the most amazing women, and to be here with you is an honor.
Audra:Well, thank you for being here and reading through your bio and reading those words of having postponed or even pause your dream. That just wrecked me, because I just had to sit and think about that for a moment and I thought, oh my gosh, and that is not just specifically for women, that happens to men too, but I think that happens more often to women. But what made you focus on that, on the idea of these individuals and more than not, it's women that have to put pause on the idea of chasing their dreams? What made you focus on them?
Michelle:Well, I would love to say that it's because I just have a big heart. But I experienced this, and I experienced it more than once. I was newly married and starting my career and got pregnant a little sooner than we thought, and so I took time off for that. But that was planned, that, you know. That was okay, but it still put my timeline, you know, a little further out. But also during this time time I was diagnosed with a chronic debilitating disease that basically I had no energy, couldn't do anything, and the prospects of going back to my career were were pretty slim at that point, and so you can imagine the all the feelings that come with that. I was feeling isolated, I felt bad because I couldn't spend time with my family or my small daughter. But eventually I was able to, with the help of healthcare professionals, get the disease under control and finally get back to my career.
Michelle:And I had fought so hard, through my education, through the disease, to get to this point. It was wonderful. I had a wonderful boss, a wonderful mentor, and we had mapped out my career path and it was bright, it was fulfilling, it was more than I dreamt it could be. And then my husband came home one day and he said hey, michelle, how would you like to move to Japan? And I said Well, that sounds wonderful. I was really excited. I was excited to support his career. And then I thought, oh, wait a minute, what about my career? I thought, well, ok, we'll only be gone for a couple of years. And so I talked to my employer and I was like OK, well, when you come back, we're willing to let you pick back up where you left off. We stayed in Asia and we were there for about 10 years and so, as you can imagine, your employer is not going to hold a position for you for 10 years.
Michelle:There was a lot of soul searching going on because in this new reality of mine, this new home, if you will, I wasn't really allowed to do much as far as working goes, and when I asked about it or tried to inquire, I was told well, you know, you just do what the other trailing spouses do. You know, you just go to lunch and go to yoga and shop and drink wine and take care of the family. Lunch and go to yoga and shop and drink wine and take care of the family. And while that may sound fun for a couple of days. That was not who I was called to be. That was not my dream for me, and over time I started to lose my identity and kind of sunk into isolation and depression, and it wasn't until a little while later I discovered wait a minute, what I'm really going through right now is grief. I'm grieving all of the things that I have left behind and there's no way to go back and get it.
Audra:Sure, You're an educated woman. You dedicated a lot of your life to your education, to your career. You have a lot of experience. You have a lot of thought and a lot of intellect and a lot to offer the world besides of just ladies who lunch. I like to think so, and that's basically what they were inferring. Is you should just sit still and look pretty? Is you should just sit still and look pretty? Your husband is taking care of you financially and you should be happy, you should be grateful because all of your financial needs are being met. You don't have to worry for a thing. Just go shopping, go have lunch, take care of your children and don't worry. Your pretty little head is what I'm understanding was the sentiment.
Michelle:Yes, and people couldn't understand why I was unhappy with that. And then, as I got to know the other ladies who were in the same position as myself, they weren't really happy with it either, but they didn't know what to do, or they found small ways to occupy their time, like be a substitute teacher at the school or be the president of the PTO. And let me tell you, when you take an educated, ambitious, motivated, energetic career woman and take her out of that position and the only other option for her is to be the school PTO president, let me tell you now, those PTOs were some of the most successful, highly funded PTOs I've ever seen. And there's nothing wrong with being the president of the PTO if that is your calling, if that's what you want to do, if that's what you choose, not because that's the only thing available to you.
Audra:So it was you and these other women were grieving what you had planned for yourself, the life that you thought you were going to have, but you had paused it or delayed it because your husband had been given an opportunity. And then you said, okay, I will do this for the betterment of our family for now, but maybe for the hopes that at some point I can have something later.
Michelle:Right, some point I can have something later. Right and again, in the beginning we thought we would only be gone for a couple of years and as our stay continued, it was obvious I couldn't go back to that dream or that path. And I think that's when the real grieving started. And once I came to accept it, I was able to look around and try to figure out what was possible and if there might be another dream, something different, something maybe even better.
Audra:So once you were able to come to an acceptance after you finished the grieving process and you came to an acceptance, then you decided well then, if I'm in this spot, or I have been in this spot, maybe others have gone through a grieving process and to an acceptance. Maybe I can be an ambassador to assist them through a transition as well. Maybe not in the same way that you had to go through a transition, maybe they had to go through a transition themselves, through a death, divorce, an illness. You had decided that maybe you could be that assistance to them as well, that maybe you could be that assistance to them as well. What have you now done to reach out?
Michelle:to those women to assist them through that transition. Well, so at first I was focused on they call them trailing spouses and first of all I hate that term To trail is not aspirational and so I've been working on changing that nomenclature to trailblazing spouse and so that's kind of where I started was with that group of women and I say women because there's not many men who trail. There are a few, and I don't discriminate, but by and large it's women. And as I was helping these women through this kind of process of grieving and acceptance and dreaming again, I realized this isn't just women who have had to pick up their everything and move to another country. This is there are women all over the world living in their hometown that either divorce or empty nest being laid off. There are many different reasons why our dreams are paused or die, why our dreams are paused or die.
Audra:The pool of people that I am trying to help is much larger now, because this is a very human thing, yeah it's definitely something that I hadn't considered before and I think when you and I first met, I'd shared with you that I'm an empty nester and I have been going through a grieving process, that it completely caught me off guard because I'm a put together woman. I am a, I am a professional executive woman and I've have been very prideful of making sure that I appeared to have it all together Remember the key word there is appeared to have it all together. And when I came to the realization that it was not going to go back the way it was and I had a delayed reaction because I'm an excellent compartmentalizer I am so good at it that I can keep myself busy that I have distracted myself to the reality where I could no longer ignore that I am an empty nester. The grief was overwhelming, and it's something that shouldn't be, something that's so wonderful.
Audra:You would not expect to come with such waves of grief, but it did. It came with overwhelming, just drowning, just waves of grief that just caught me by surprise and I realized what I was grieving was something that no longer could be, and it wasn't necessarily a dream that no longer was, it was just I could no longer have what I had had for the last 25 years, and that could be a dream, but I had to learn to focus on something else, which I imagine is that's what the exact same thing that these women were doing is. They had to learn how to focus on something else, and a lot of those, in a lot of those cases, it was probably focusing on themselves for the first time, maybe ever, and for me, it was the first time in 25 plus years where I got the opportunity to be a focus. That's terrifying.
Michelle:Yes, it is, and you brought up a good point. Whenever this change happens. Well, first of all, we all say that we're okay with change. We're not. Change is hard, even the people that claim to be the best at it. It's hard, it's a process, it's a new reality and there are bumps along the way and if we don't accept that, the bumps are even more painful.
Michelle:But you mentioned like, right after the change happened, you were occupied with all of these other things and it took time to figure out oh, something's going on here out, oh something's going on here, and maybe I'm grieving this loss of what was and can never be again. So let's say it's a trailblazing spouse and she's now in this new reality. Well, she's very busy. She's busy figuring out where the grocery store is, how to read labels in this different language, how to get to the school, how to do all of the. Basically, she's having to learn how to do everything in a different language and that takes a lot of time, a lot of energy and maybe, besides finding a hair salon and a doctor, she's not thinking about herself. She has to help the family survive and if you're in survival mode, you are not thinking about yourself, and I think that case is the same whether you're an empty nester, a trailblazing spouse, have a death in the family.
Michelle:We get caught up in the everyday stuff thing I try to do is to shorten that process of busy, busy, busy. Oh here I am. Wait a minute. Who am I? What am I now? Who do I want to be? And exploring that so that is part of the process is getting to the realization that you'll never be able to step into that river again right at that same spot. And once we can get to that grief and acceptance, then we can see the gift that's on the other side.
Audra:So how do you meet them there? How do you meet that legacy? You meet that legacy In this case we're talking about women just because for trailblazing spouses it most often happens to be women, but here on stateside it doesn't necessarily have to be the trailblazing spouse, it could be a woman in transition, for a multitude of reasons. How do you meet them where they're at? In my case it was in this, engulfed of grief, because we did such good jobs at being parents, they left. That's the reality of it and that's the goal. Yeah, that's the goal. When you are really really good parents, yeah, that's the goal. When you are really really good parents, they leave. You're all. Get them to understand that they're in grief.
Audra:Because for me, it shocked me. I didn't realize that I was sad until one day I literally was like why is my face wet? And I touched my cheek and realized I was crying. Oh, and I was like I'm crying. And then I was like I'm crying and then I realized I was in, I was grieving, that's it. I was that out of touch from my emotions because I was too busy. Being busy that I was, that's how much I was shutting myself off. I know I'm not by myself, because that's what mothers do to survive. But how do you bridge that gap? How do you shorten that? How do you make your clients get to realization faster so they can process through the grief faster, so they can get to the other side faster?
Michelle:One thing is that when we hear the word grief, we usually think death. Sometimes we might think divorce, but usually it's death of a loved one, of a pet, of a celebrity, of an artist that has touched our lives. And you know, we think, oh, you know, what will the world be like without them? What will the world be like without them? We don't think of grief in terms of loss, whether that's a child that has moved away or loss of a career. First it's awareness. I mean, as women, it is really hard for us to sit down and be still and be quiet. It just is Getting someone to at least understand that this might be possibly what's going on. So let's sit down and be still and be quiet. And if you can't do that, get out a piece of paper and just write down everything that's in your head, just everything. Doesn't matter if it's the grocery list or oh goodness, Bobby needs a new pair of shoes or just whatever it is, because you need to get that out of your head so that you can get back to yourself, because all those things are sitting on top of your feelings. Now some women are a little further down the road in the process, but they can't see their way out. And so if you're living abroad and you're trying to get back to a career path, I mean there are some very real obstacles, like you know visa status and governmental regulations, and so it's figuring out what is possible that you might want to do Now here in the States. You know, let's say, you were laid off from your job and there's no opportunity to get another one like it.
Michelle:It takes for some people it's very out of the box thinking to think outside of whatever they've been doing, whatever industry they've been in. And so there's a lot of imagination, a lot of dreaming, thinking of possibilities. Did I say brainstorming? I don't want to say putting a happy face on it, because it's not. This is hard work. You know you've been doing something for so long and now that's over. What's next? Being able to see that there are possibilities for you. Life is not over. There's something maybe even better on the other side of this. And so, again, it kind of depends on where the person is in their grieving process, or if they even know they're grieving, if they're in the anger part of grieving. So it depends on the individual.
Audra:What have you been able to make them see? I mean what has been the other side, if you will. I mean, once you get through the hard part, which the hard part is the grief and the hard part is the anger hard part, which the hard part is the grief and the hard part is the anger and the anger is really anger, is the grief turned up to 10 is what anger is. But once you get past that, have you been able to get them to see the possibility and start living in the possibility?
Michelle:I have a friend who was not happy about moving and we were. I mean, she was really angry. She did it because she knew it was good for the family. And I asked her, I said know, it was good for the family. I asked her, I said is your anger good for the family? And so we were talking and when it came down to it, she was not really happy with the job. She left Like she was not over the moon about it. All she knew was that she was having to leave everything behind.
Michelle:And as we talked she said you know, michelle, I have like since I was young, I've always wanted to play tennis. She said now, the dream when I was little was to play tennis professionally. I was little was to play tennis professionally. She said, no, obviously that's that ship has sailed. I said, well, has it? I said, no, you're not going to be Serena Williams. But I said there's a tennis court and a tennis pro and there's, you know anyway. So basically, she, that's what she did. She poured her life into tennis and now she's back in the US. She's kept up. The tennis has now found something else that she's moved on to because she didn't want to try to figure out how to be in the same industry and do the same thing, because what she realized was she wasn't really that happy doing that job anyway. And so she found this went back to a dream that she had.
Audra:She used it as a vehicle to bridge the gap, so she was able to find happiness in something that she originally dreamed about, to help bridge the gap, to find something else that she can dream about. That's something that we could all do. Find something to bridge the gap until you can find the next spot on where you're supposed to go. What about women that just can't see their way out, that they feel like they're just stuck, that they're like there's, that they've been like? The harder they try, the more stuck they get? Specifically here in the US, the economy is starting to take a really hard hit and there are a lot of women, especially 40 plus, that are finding themselves looking for work Again. Unfortunately, it always seems to hit 40 plus women the hardest. I don't know why, but it always is, and these women are trying very hard and I know lots of them that they seem like the harder they try, the more they get stuck. How do we encourage them?
Michelle:Also, many times these women are single and they have children and there's no other support around and so that is a really tough place to be and I find that just sitting with them and just listening is the first step, because they have no one there listening or trying to understand or that can empathize. Listening or trying to understand or that can empathize and to try to make a career change can be risky if you're over 40 single mom or just over 40 female. So it takes a different kind of intention. Because you know trailblazing spouse yeah, she probably has resources. Because you know trailblazing spouse yeah, she probably has resources, maybe resources to spare. But when we look at this other demographic, there's probably not a lot to spare. So that's be able to see what's on the other side. But you can gently start exploring the possibilities, even if they don't quite believe yet. But yeah, so building trust with the client is very important, because having some, letting someone help you think through the possibilities, can be quite vulnerable.
Audra:Now you do this one-on-one for individual clients, but I'm a strong believer in doing this for each other. How can you help us as listeners, how can you guide us to do this for each other?
Michelle:Yeah, so I do one-on-one but I also do group coaching. Personally, I think that's a richer experience for everyone in the group Because not only are you getting some guidance, but also you're there with others who maybe don't have the same exact problem. But I promise you're probably feeling some of the same things. You're feeling the pressure, you're feeling despondent or angry. Community is everything it really is, thing it really is. And if you don't have community, the first step is reaching out, and that can be hard. I've been the new girl many, many times and it is a skill to put yourself out there and say, hey, I think I would like to get to know you. Let's have coffee or a Zoom date or whatever it is. Finding one or two people that you trust and can sit and talk with, sit and listen, that's the first step.
Audra:Michelle, I think what you are doing is such a remarkable gift because it's not something that is, first of all, readily available and I don't think that people would even think about it, because these things are all things that we sit in silence about and we don't typically want to talk about, because grief is not something that people like to talk about outwardly, especially when we're grieving about things that people should just assume that we should be happy about, because, like you said before, people just assume that grief only comes with death and divorce, and grief is a spectrum of many different things and it can be the it's just grief is the end of something and we just don't talk about it enough. So I think that what you are doing is very, very special and something that we should talk about more often, especially with our community. We should talk about more often, especially with our community, especially with other women, so we can make this not be so taboo and so other women can see that it's normal and that we don't have to suffer in silence.
Michelle:And you hit on something, and you said it earlier too the appearance of being okay. I think we can all say that we've done that before. We've. We've wanted to look OK and we know we're not OK on the inside. Well, if that's true for me, that's probably true for you and it's probably true for the person next door, and I mean, I get it it's. It's hard to be vulnerable, it's hard to admit that things aren't okay and I mean, you know, I try to make lemons, lemons, I try to make lemonade out of lemons and I try to see what good came out of COVID. Well, this, this is not one of them. We have become even more isolated and even more kind of stoic, and the sense of community has broken down even more. But, yeah, realizing I know that sometimes I'm not okay and that probably means other people are in the same boat as well.
Audra:I would agree. I recognized in myself that when I walk around in public that I have developed this invisible bubble around myself, and I think that that started because of the mask that we were wearing and we were trying to stay six feet apart.
Michelle:And we, you know, we're trying to stay six feet apart, even though we're not staying six feet apart anymore. Somehow I have not given that up and I didn't recognize that until just this week. I thought, oh my goodness, I'm walking around this planet with this invisible bubble around me that I didn't even realize I was doing until just now, and it's now just in its 2024. Well, yeah, I'm from the South and we talked to everybody, or at least we used to and the other day I was in the supermarket and someone just randomly asked me a question and I thought, oh yeah, it's OK. And so that interaction with people and letting people in, I think, is a skill we have to bring back.
Audra:Yeah, we've kind of we've forgotten how to be with each other. We've forgotten how to do that, and I agree we need to bring that back. Michelle, you have been just a delight and I'm so, I'm so enamored with the work that you do, because it certainly is needed and we don't have enough of it. So I'm so appreciative of the work that you're putting out in the world, and this is the time of the show that I want to give you an opportunity where you get to have an intimate moment directly with the audience, because I want to give you the opportunity that you can give them a lasting thought that they can ruminate with and take with them throughout the day. So the mic is yours.
Michelle:Thank you, audra. So, as the audience is mainly women, that's who I'm speaking to. We can do anything, but we can't do everything. But we can't do everything and there are going to be times that life just doesn't go the way we expect and there's change, there's seismic change, and that's hard and that's okay. We have to grieve, we have to get through it, but on the other side is a gift and I just encourage you, wherever you are in the process, to remember that there is a gift on the other side.
Audra:Even though it doesn't feel like it, change does have some gifts. Yes, even though it doesn't feel like it, change does have some gifts. Yes, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. Michelle, where can the audience reach you if they want to reach out to you, talk to you, find out more about your organization?
Michelle:My preferred mode of communication is through LinkedIn, so just look me up, michelle Gates Roberts, send me a message, let me know that this is where you heard me and I would love to speak with you.
Audra:I will make sure that I put a direct link to you in the show notes so I'll make it easy for everybody to reach out to you. Wonderful Michelle, once again, thank you for joining me this afternoon. You have been wonderful and I can't thank you enough for spending this afternoon with me and for being so vulnerable and being vulnerable with the women that you assist.
Michelle:Thank you, audra, this has been just a wonderful conversation.
Audra:Thank you, and I want to thank all of you once again for listening and we'll see you again next time.
