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Women in the Arena
Women in the Arena is the celebration of everyday women living extraordinary lives in plain sight. We seek to inspire, encourage and challenge you to reach for the great heights you're made for.
Women in the Arena
Redefining Midlife: Growth, Joy, and Self-Discovery with Kathy Batista
Unlock the secrets of making midlife your most enriching chapter yet! Join us this week on Women in the Arena as we sit down with Kathy Batista, a coach specializing in helping women navigate ages 35 to 70. Kathy shares her insights on redefining midlife as a period brimming with growth and opportunity, challenging outdated societal norms. Discover how to celebrate the wisdom and experience that come with age while silencing the negative voices that try to hold you back.
Key Takeaways:
- Redefining Midlife: Learn how to view midlife as a period of growth and opportunity.
- Empty Nest Transition: Gain insights on shifting priorities, maintaining spousal relationships, and reintroducing personal interests.
- Hormonal Changes and Self-Care: Understand the impact of hormonal changes and the importance of proactive self-care.
- Holistic Personal Growth: Explore the three-pillar method of mood, mindfulness, and mindset.
- Actionable Techniques: Learn the STOP technique for stress regulation and the power of intentional breathing.
- Nervous System Harmony: Discover how Polyvagal theory and somatic work can harmonize your nervous system.
- Reconnecting with Passions: Find out how old hobbies or new interests can bring joy and fulfillment.
Join us to gain transformative insights and practical tips on maintaining body-mind health and celebrating the joy of creation. Don't miss out on this enriching conversation!
https://www.kathybatista.com/
https://youtu.be/WsoM_S1Yf1s?si=Y0FzrcQZdTiot4-E
Welcome in everyone and thank you so much for joining me again this week. This week we're going to talk about midlife. I know everybody is thinking oh great, just another thing to remind me that I'm midlife. But guess what? It's something to look forward to. I know you doubt me, but this week's guest is here to affirm that it is nothing to be afraid of and everything to look forward to. My guest this week is Kathy Bautista, and she is the premier coach for women navigating the phase of midlife. It's also an incredible journey and a period of opportunity and growth. We're going to define what midlife is and what it isn't, and the opportunities that lay out there in front of us. It is my pleasure and my honor to introduce to you Kathy. Kathy, thank you so much for being here and welcome to the show.
Kathy:Thank you, Audra. I'm so excited to be here with you today.
Audra:I'm really excited for you to be here with me because we're talking about a subject that is near and dear to my heart, because I'm smack dab in the middle of midlife, I mean, which is very weird. It's a very weird existence and I'll explain why. And I think that there's going to be a lot of people that are going to be listening and shaking. Their head, which is my brain, still thinks I'm about 19. Their head, which is my brain, still thinks I'm about 19. My body takes turns telling me that it feels awesome and go back to bed. That is the interesting, weird spot of midlife. So I know I'm normal, but am I normal for everybody else? I mean, kathy, do you feel like you're mentally 19 and why you look around and go? How did I get all this responsibility? Why did they give it to?
Kathy:me. I definitely sometimes feel like that, but what I think is so unique is that it's a unique experience for every woman. There might be women out there who are like mentally, I feel 90. I'm exhausted, this is it, I'm done, it's over. It's realizing, at this point in time, that any and all feelings and thoughts and emotions are valid. Right, we're going through something. This chunk of time I define midlife as 35 to 70. It is like the largest chunk of time in our lives and we are in it, and so many transitions happen in our mind, our body and our soul during this time, and so it's such a valuable thing to spend time talking about it, bringing it to light and realizing that we're not alone, that there's so many of us in this point in our life and that we can make it the best one yet.
Audra:And as I look through my life, I look through my life as chapters and I will tell you quite honestly, this is probably the most interesting I have ever been. I mean, as a teenager, you're just flailing around, trying to figure things out. In your 20s you're trying to establish your identity and who you are and what you stand for. Identity and who you are and what you stand for. 30s you might be raising children At least that's where I was but now I'm in my early 50s and really, if you wanted to have a conversation with me, I would rather you have a conversation with 52-year-old Audra than 25-year-old Audra.
Audra:I am way more fascinating because I have way more experience now than I did at 25, 27, 30. But yet if you listen to media, they'll tell you that this midlife, which, as you say, is the largest chapter in our lifespan, we're the less interesting. How is that that is a very weird dichotomy there that I think I'm fascinating. I think I'm absolutely more beautiful now than I was, even when I was younger, but yet culture will tell me otherwise.
Kathy:Yeah, I do believe it's changing. I do believe that women like us are getting louder and prouder, and it is changing it's. Also, I encourage you to no longer listen to those society members or those news outlets, because they are wrong. And I loved how you were describing how we change through the ages, because I often say this time in our lives is like the perfect marriage of time and wisdom, and I say that because when we were teens, like we just thought we had so much time, like we could mess up all day long. Nothing mattered so much time.
Kathy:And then you get into your, you know, maybe early twenties to probably early thirties, and it's we're developing wisdom. We're like you said, we're learning who we are, we're excelling in our career, we might then have a family, it's establishing all this, but we really feel like we have no time, no time at all. And then you come to this point where you've got some, some extra time. We have extra time on our hands now and we have all this wisdom. So it's this perfect time and I think that we can take and create what we want, and it is about shutting out those outside voices that you talked about. We don't need to hear that.
Audra:So let's talk about that. There's lots to talk about today, but let's start there, because I brought it up.
Audra:Let's talk about really celebrating the season that we're in and the opportunities that it allows, and also some strategies of shutting out those societal voices. Shutting out those societal voices and I had said before on actually I was a guest on another show and I had explained that we're really interesting in this time because we weren't prepared for it. Our mothers didn't know how to prepare us, our grandmother certainly didn't know how to prepare us. So we've made it up as we go along and society had a different message for us. And I want to push against that message because I'll bring up the example that I brought up before is that our blueprint, if you will, or our ideal, if you will, was that old commercial.
Audra:It was an old perfume commercial that came on during soap operas. That it was. You know, bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, kind of thing, and the whole story was basically you are the every one woman, you can do every single thing and then at the end you, at the end of your very, very busy, exhausting day, you can satisfy your husband. That was the entire story. That was the entire jingle of selling this perfume and that was the message that we received. But I want to get back to how do we push against that? How do we push against that? No, we're not the everyday woman. In this particular tagline, it was the eight-hour perfume for the 24-hour woman. I don't want to be the 24-hour woman, I do not. So how do we break out of that box, that confinement?
Kathy:Yeah, I think that ultimately it starts with pausing and reevaluating. Right, when we have so much noise coming at us, right, our eyes and our ears take in and they're responsible for most of the input that our brain gets, right. So now we need to pause and say do I want to surround myself with with these thoughts and these feelings? And if not, you need to create opportunities to invite other thoughts and feelings in. And so tuning it out is it sounds so much simpler than it is, because we have to walk around in this world where it is all there. So we have to be vigilant for ourselves and create our inner world to kind of make an armor against this outer world. And that comes from pausing and really getting in touch with that inner part of yourself.
Kathy:Like I call it your intuition. It can be your inner child, it can be God, it can be the divine, whatever right, but getting clear and hearing that more often. And we actually hear it more than we think we do. We hear it. You know your inner voice. Your guidance told you to pick out the outfit you're wearing today. Like, we hear it more than we think. So the more we acknowledge it, the more it's going to talk to us and we'll hear the guidance it has for us on how to navigate this time in our lives and what is possible for us and what we can create. What do we want?
Audra:You know you're not the first guest that I have interviewed. That has said that the answers are out there as long as we are quiet enough to hear, which blows my mind because, it is so loud out there.
Kathy:Right, yeah, I think the answers are in, are in, are inside of us. That's, I tell all the women that I work with like I don't have your answers. Nobody does. They're in you and you can find them. It's sort of like I have a flashlight and we'll like look for them, but they're in you and you have everything you need inside of you. The answers are all there. And so when we take that outside noise, that's like it's just coming at you, if we can have a way to combat it, like almost like a yeah, no, I'm not going to listen to that, or no, thank you, Whatever it is, whatever it happens to be for you, we can fortify our inner voice so that it speaks louder to us than those outside voices. All of those shoulds, all of that. You should do this. You would be better if you did this. Yet, you could do this. Try this right. Everything is like oh my gosh.
Audra:Well, I want to get to some practicalities as to how to do all that. Yeah, and I want to talk about the why. First, the why to do it, why we're even considering this, and then we'll talk about the how. And as I told you before I tell on myself all the time on on my own show is that I'm in the middle of midlife. I'm also an empty nester, which was not an easy thing to come to terms to with um, and I never I underestimated the feelings that that would bring on, because it didn't hit me all at once. Yeah, it didn't even hit me immediately after my kids moved out one by one. Yeah, it didn't actually hit me until six months later, after my daughter got married. Okay, and I think it was because I was busy.
Audra:I was coming down from planning a wedding for a year and a half and suddenly I had all of this time to myself and these feelings of sadness caught me completely off guard, completely knocked me off my balance, and I had to deal with these feelings of a chapter closing. Yeah, and it was not easy. It was extremely painful, but at the other side of it I realized I had closed a chapter. But when you close a chapter, you also open one. That's where I want to talk about the why. Why are we in the space that we're at? Why do we start to question our existence of? Is this all there is? Is this what I want? Is this where I really want to spend my time? So let's talk about the why.
Kathy:Yeah, I think the why always I'm going to say it's unique, I'm going to say everybody's why is different, but in general, why we end up doing this is because it's natural, it's because we did go through a phase and we're entering a new phase. It's sort of like at the end of high school what is your? Why Do you want to go to college? And why Do you want to get a job? And why it's transitioning? Right, you get married. Do you want to have kids? Well, why Do you not? Why, right. So now we're transitioning into this period where you might.
Kathy:What I'm noticing is that there's a lot of women in midlife who actually have younger kids and they have no idea what this empty nester thing is like yet, because a lot of people waited until they were older to have kids. So they might be 45, you know, perimetopause and have a four-year-old right. So empty nesting is a totally unique topic and I like talking about it because I'm in the midst of it myself. But the why of our transition always comes from, I think, a value that is needing expressing. I think a value that is needing expressing right, what's missing, and we kind of say, well, where do I want to bring that in right. Why am I feeling so? Take what you said about empty nesting. Why am I feeling sad? Like, get clear on that right, because there's many reasons why somebody's feeling sad that their kids left, and so once you get clear on the why, then we can look to the how of bringing things in to not replace that why, but to fulfill that need and want.
Audra:For me it was a very weird spot, yeah, and I was incredibly proud of the work that we had done to raise these two incredible humans, that we did such a good job, we were able to launch them and they are able to go be productive adults and human beings. I mean it's a weird thing that your reward for good parenting is that they leave. It's just really strange.
Kathy:Well, I mean, I could beg to differ, but sometimes it's good they leave.
Audra:Yes, it is. Yes, it most definitely is, because that would be weird if they lived with you forever. It would be exhausting, it would be a weird thing. But I had filled and I should say I arranged my entire life around raising two humans. My career, the career I picked and the career path in which I chose was so it could be flexible enough to make sure that my kids were the number one priority. Everything I did. Suddenly they were no longer the number one priority.
Audra:I got to be the number one priority. My relationship with my husband became priority, all these other things that I had pushed aside. Meaning I mean and you know it's shameful, yes, did both my husband and I push aside our marriage? Absolutely, we did, because we were so busy raising children. We were just trying to survive. But these come back into play. I become a priority, he becomes a priority, we become a priority, and all these questions start to come up. It is is. It is because suddenly everything becomes an opportunity and you don't know where to start. And that's also another part of oh my gosh, what am I doing here? Is this even what I want to do? Is this all there is? Where do I go from here?
Kathy:Yeah.
Audra:And I'm saying all these questions exactly why women come to you just like me and go. Kathy, what do I do?
Kathy:now? Yeah, no, I think that it is. They're amazing questions and I think the power lies in even asking them. It's the women that walk around, robotic and miserable, that don't pause enough to say I'm unhappy that those are the people, that it just is heartbreaking right, and that's their choice. They want to. I mean right, everybody. Everyone's on their own path.
Kathy:But when we take a look at these transitions and we're speaking specifically about our kids, kind of growing up and moving on and now we're empty nesters, where change can really happen and how we, as like middle mid lifers, can help, is what we're doing, talking about it, because these people who are on the cusp of it or just starting it, it's taking and knowing like it didn't happen overnight, it's not like they packed up and left right. So it's almost like we need to be present in our everyday life so that we realize at 16 okay, they, they're driving a little bit more. Now, what do I want to bring in? If we think of it as, like you know, buckets, and we're trying to keep them level right. So now the need is less, less, less. What do I want to bring in? Because now I have a little bit more time in this area, and that can be anything from a hobby to creating date nights, to getting a new job or whatever right?
Kathy:I had to realize this when my 15-year-old who is now 18, my 15-year-old was saying will you cut me up an apple? And I was like, oh, I'm in the middle of something. And he says, well, no, I'll just wait. And I'm like, oh, I'm in the middle of something. And he says, well, I know, I'll just wait. And I'm like, wait, there's something going on here. If he is at 15, he's not even cutting his own apple and he's waiting until I'm ready.
Kathy:I'm like, okay, I've missed this transition boat with him. Right, so now we really like we can have this hindsight of saying, when we're present in our lives, we can take stock and say, you know, the kid can tie his shoe. Now, right, this is when they're younger, the kid can read the book by himself. And that's not to say we give up pairing all together, but it it helps with this transition period. Right, we are still going to be sad when our kids leave. We're going to, you know, when they get married. That's emotional. These things will still happen, but it'll be less of like for lack of a better words like less of a smack up the head, less of a shock if we are taking care of ourselves all along the way care of ourselves all along the way.
Audra:Ooh, tell us how to do that. Let's talk more about how we take care of ourselves a little bit at a time along the way, because there are many people and I was guilty of it I'm like there's no time for me. Where do I fit me? Yeah, but it is necessary, absolutely necessary, because at some point point there's going to be nothing but time for you.
Audra:Yeah totally and you're like what do I do? So give us some strategies on how we can take care of ourselves a little bit at a time along the way, so then it isn't just such a shock, you don't fall into an unexpected depression like I did. And let me say it again, I did not expect to be sad, I never anticipated it and it took a long time to get to me, but it's because I wasn't practicing. I think I wasn't practicing that they were leaving emotion.
Audra:I wasn't practicing that I wasn't practicing taking care of me and making me a priority.
Kathy:Yeah, I think too, though, that we can't lose sight of that. It is the perfect storm, right. It's happening at a time where your hormones are changing and estrogen levels are dropping, and our brain has one of the most. They have so many estrogen receptors dropping, and so that's why we have a lot of mood swings and depression, and then, on top of it, life, right. So it is this mind, body, soul thing, and so we can't just say, okay, if I take care of myself for the 10 years leading up to when they leave, I'll be okay, maybe, maybe not. You'll be different, you'll have a chance, you'll have better footing, maybe, but it is a whole body approach. But to answer your question about how we can take and bring a little bit of just self-compassion and self-care into our lives on a daily basis, I think that it can be done in like these little micro movements. Right, it's a matter of saying, like I love this one. I love because women are a lot of women. We're kind of predictable, almost right.
Kathy:Let me ask you if you've had this conversation you and your husband are talking about where to go for dinner, and it's I don't care. Where do you want to go? I don't care, where do you want to go? I mean me and my husband will go round and round until I stop and say I don't even know if I care or not, like I've shut myself down so much. So these little micro movements of if someone asks you, would you like, you know, the plain M&M or the peanut M&M? I don't care, like I don't care, let's stop, pause and think and get in touch with your body. What do you want, right? Where do you want to eat? What sounds good? Or even, like you know, where do you want to go on vacation? Oh God, I don't care, just take me away, right? Well, pause.
Kathy:It's when we allow ourselves to pause and we listen to ourselves. Now we're feeling respected internally and we are showing ourselves respect. To pause and say what do I want? What do I want to do with my free day on Saturday? What do I want, instead of automatically being pleasing and saying, whatever, I don't care, whatever, right, so that's one way. Is that, whether it's a question you're asking yourself or someone else is asking you, a question like create the power of even if you don't know, I'm not sure, let me get back to you or create that time that you're going to sit down and get clear on what it is you do want, because often that inner guidance is talking to us all day long, like we talked about before. It's telling you what to wear. It's telling you what you want to feel good right. So once we pause and listen to that, it has so much information for us. So I think that, to sum that all up, it's just knowing the power of the pause, that pausing and listening to our inner voice holds so much power.
Audra:The fact that you said that we have pushed ourselves away in just the simplest and most benign conversations of where do you want to eat? What do you want to do tonight? And it's and you, because you haven't given yourself permission to hear your voice or hear how you feel, or what you want or what you think you're giving it away, I don't know. Whatever you want, it's fine, I don't care. I never even put those two together, that I was shutting off part of myself for the I don't know, for the betterment of other people I mean to make things easier for others?
Audra:I'm not sure.
Kathy:I think it's a little bit. It is a little bit of that. It's a little bit of, you know, non-confrontational. Is it really worth it? I don't really care, right, or it is just, um, it's easier, like we as women, this mental load that people talk about. Now I don't want to think about it, right, like I don't want to think about what to eat, just feed me. But I think that we're at this point where we're so mentally and physically and emotionally loaded up with outside things that we don't have time and we don't have capacity to ask ourselves these questions and sadly yeah, I mean not sadly, but some of those things are like our spouses and our children, and that's where we need to learn to navigate healthier boundaries and healthier relationships. You know people throw around buzzwords like codependency and all these things, and there's, I think, elements of that in every relationship, but we want to be careful to place boundaries with those closest to us, because we do need to maintain that connection with ourselves, because it's our most important relationship.
Audra:You've led me into the next question, which is the how and when. You and I spoke before we were recording, getting to know each other you talked about the three pillars on how to hear that small voice. Yeah, how to get there, how to, how to increase our ability to hear and improve our, our ability to respond appropriately, rather than just floating through and I don't care. I don't care, you pick.
Kathy:Yeah, definitely. So the three pillars it's a signature program that I made up for I made up, I created for my clients, and it's based off of that. I actually did it in the reversed way when I was going through all of my early midlife and all my mess, and so I love that I'm able to look back and go okay, now let's figure it out a better way to do this. So I created this three pillar approach, and the first pillar is mood, and what that really stands for is just our nervous system, regulation, polyvagal theory, somatic work. It's really the body of a holistic approach. It's the of the mind, body, soul. It's the body part, and why we always look there first is because anything we do after anything we do, is not going to be impactful or or effective if our body is not at a place to receive it. If our body is in a constant state of fight or flight, if it's like that sympathetic nervous system is just on which I've never had a client who doesn't have like a pretty good response system going right, whether it's fear or flight or fawn freeze, anything that comes in to our body, our body is going to interpret it as being unsafe in some capacity, which then our output changes, which then we appear that we're frustrated, we're overwhelmed, we're sad, we're just on edge, right, everything's coming at us. So we take a look at how we can bring in even the simplest nervous system regulation techniques, the vagus nerve techniques, how we can tune our body to a point of regulation so that we're able to receive information, then behave in a certain way that we want, because our behavior creates our identity. So if we're not behaving the way we want to, we need to change the way things are coming in. A lot of people think it's we need to change how it's going out, but we need to change how we're receiving all this information.
Kathy:The next pillar is mindfulness, and this is where, yes, mindfulness is about being in the present moment, at that exact present moment, with non-judgment, non-attachment, everything you know, kabat-zinn teaches us about mindfulness, everything is true, but the way I use mindfulness is it's an amazing opportunity to make that connection with that inner voice that we were talking about. When we are in silence, we're able to receive and hear what our heart and soul want. So this is the spirit, part of the mind, body, soul, the soul, part of a whole holistic approach is really getting clear, and we can only hear that voice when our body's calm. Our brain is so smart that it wants to keep us safe, and so until the brain feels safe in the body, we're not able to hear that voice. That's why we all respond with I don't know, I don't care, like don't ask me these questions.
Kathy:And then the third pillar is mindset, and this is where we do, you know, thought coaching and we do some tactics on relationships and the boundaries and all of these things. But we can't get to this point unless our body and soul are ready for it, because our body needs to be calm and our soul is going to tell us what we want. So that will guide us on how we do and change our mind and our thought processes. So that's the three pillar approach.
Audra:So to make life easy for everybody, because it sounds like the body and how we respond to the outside influences is the core pillar to make everything else possible. It's the engine that makes everything else run. Give us something easy that we can do to help regulate our body and our body's responses. Because we need easy and we need something that is probably relatively quick and repeatable. Because I have discovered that if I can start with something easy and I can repeat it and I can do it anywhere, chances are good that if I get good at it I'm going to learn other techniques to amplify that. Yeah. So give us one easy thing that we can do, master and then build upon.
Kathy:Yeah. So I actually, on my YouTube channel, just did a video on this, and this one is a classic, right, it's called STOP and it's an acronym, and so the S. This is when you're feeling unsettled in your body, your mind, it's chaotic, right, or you're unsure about navigating something, or something activates you or I don't really love this word trigger, but triggers you, right? So now we have this acronym where we just say stop, and the S is stop and the T is take a breath, and this is where we connect with our body. Our breath is really the, the key to the body. And so once we just take a breath and you might need one or two just take a breath, and then the o is you're going to observe, and you're going to observe inside and out, right? So we're observing inside. How do we feel? What's going on outside? Is this threat real? What do I need to be here? Whatever the situation is, we're taking and observing inside and out. And then the P of the acronym is proceed, doing the next right step, doing the next right thing, doing what's best for you. Next, because a lot of times this brings us back to. We can even use this acronym for how we've kind of been joking.
Kathy:All of this whole segment is about what do you want to do for dinner? Just stop. Just stop, take a breath, observe what do I want for dinner, right, and then proceed and say this is what I want or ultimately it might be you don't care right, but still honoring and listening to your voice. So that acronym can be used in so many places and it's such a simple one to just because it just means what it means Just stop and take a breath. Take a breath, give your body that sustenance that it needs and observe and then proceed. And then I think that's a great tip, just to do, right. But if you take another time during the day, or whenever you have a minute day, or whenever you have a minute, do some purposeful breathing for 30 seconds and then some purposeful introspection for 30 seconds and you're done. You've made a mind-body connection, a mind-body-soul connection that's going to help you center for just even the next 60 minutes, right? So just being able to take those breaths and pause is so powerful.
Audra:You know, I never realized how necessary it is for my mind, body, spirit to breathe Right. It never occurred to me that that was a big deal.
Kathy:Yeah, audra, are you a breath holder too? I was a breath holder, yes, yes, I would be like what is the matter? And I'm like, oh my goodness, it's because I'm holding my breath Like that's the premium state of fight or flight. That's awesome.
Audra:I hold my breath or I clinch my jaw, which I am paying for now, because now I have TMJ.
Kathy:But I didn't know I was doing it?
Kathy:Yeah, and you want to know what's so interesting. I hate to interrupt you, but I've been so down this rabbit hole and working with clients around this. But because of the fascia train in our body, our jaw and our pelvic floor are so connected. So if you have a tight jaw, you've got a messed up pelvic floor and people think, oh well, if my pelvic floor is tight, then that must be good. No, it's not. Neither is good right, Loose or tight. So it's amazing to me that we can do some nervous system regulation, some lymphatic stimulation with our jaw and really have it impact our pelvic floor and vice versa. Work on your pelvic floor and it will help the TMJ, Isn't it?
Audra:amazing. It is amazing. Can you tell me how to do that real quick, Because I've tried everything and no, I did not realize that the muscular makeup of your jaw is the same as your pelvic floor. But it makes sense. It works very similar.
Kathy:Yeah, it's not. It's not the same what. What it is is it's connected by fascia. We have a fascia train that goes from our tongue all the way down and then even your vagus nerve, starts at the back of your head and goes down to your pelvic. So it's just so closely related.
Kathy:But I can give you and this is not, I always have to say it's not medical advice, right, I'm just Coach Kathy Batista here, but you, a lot of times I'm so surprised if we have tightness, we are feeling like we need to do big movements, like open your mouth wide and stretch it. That's almost shocking, right. Like it's almost like you're lying in bed and you stand up and run. Oh, it doesn't, it doesn't make sense, right, we need to move into this. So if you take your jaw and you just open your mouth enough so that your teeth are not touching, and you just gently push your jaw, your lower jaw, out and in, like not jutting it out, just a little rocking, and then you rock it back and forth, now we're waking it all up and you know you can do some muscular, of manual massage, right, but it's in that we think we need to do these big, big movements. It's in those micro, like caring, like soft movements, that our body can heal.
Audra:Isn't that funny that not only physically do these little movements, these little changes make big results. So is that the same? That's parallel in life too? It's that whole 1% better every single day.
Kathy:Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Audra:So fascinating. Like I said before, I never realized that breathing, this mind-body-spirit thing, is actually connected and it makes absolute sense because we are a, a being that is a whole, is a whole being.
Kathy:You don't.
Audra:Your brain isn't separate from your body. They are the same, it is all one unit. But I think that, especially here in the U? S, we like to compartmentalize things and treat them separately, when in fact we should not be treated separately, especially women, especially going into middle age. We shouldn't be treated as separate components, but as a whole.
Kathy:I agree.
Audra:Yes, fascinating. And we started this conversation about being midlife and the amazing opportunities that await us in midlife. Let's talk a little bit about what is that? What does that look like? What are the opportunities that are available to us in midlife? Now, anything and everything is possible. Yes, but help us boil the ocean, because part of it is that when everything's possible, you go, oh my gosh, which one, which one's for me, where do I start? And then it starts to feel like work.
Audra:So, help us calm all that down and walk us through what, what lies there for us in midlife, and why is it so special.
Kathy:Yeah, I think. I think it actually goes well. It's special because it's just amazing, and if you don't believe me, call me and I'll tell you over and over and I'll get you to see it. But listen, if we're going, oh my gosh, there's so much opportunity. Oh my gosh, there's so much to do. I don't know what to do.
Kathy:I'm paralyzed by this. I'm going to say it's the same thing as we were talking about before, and it's all the shoulds, it's all. Oh, you should go play pickleball or you should? Yeah, don't you want to get a job in retirement? And you know, oh, you should watch your grandkids. I don't have grandkids, but I hear that a lot from some of my clients. They're like I don't want to, I don't want to be a babysitter. Right, you should, though. So now we create this disconnect so we can, you know, drain that ocean. We can put everything the water from the ocean and just take a cup's worth if we just get in touch with that inner voice. It all lies with finding that connection, and you may discover, through mindfulness and through mood work, that you actually want to go back to school for cosmetology, because when you were in high school, you just loved doing that, but you couldn't do it, so it's getting in touch with ourselves that actually helps us narrow that down.
Audra:Well, you know, it's really funny. First of all, I have no desire to learn how to play pickleball. Yeah, I know. Neither do I. I know that it's the greatest you know hottest sport right now. It looks awful and boring. I'm sorry for those that are playing that play pickleball and love it. I'm so glad that you found something that play pickleball and love it. I'm so glad that you found something that makes you happy. It looks awful to me.
Kathy:Yeah, just that's just. It is that I do think that it is creating a need. It's creating it's, it's filling. I mean it's filling a need, it's fulfilling a need for community and for ways to move in midlife. And we're looking for that, we're looking for community, we're looking for community, we're looking for ways to maintain mind, body, soul, health, which that is moving. But, like you said at the beginning, my God, sometimes we feel like we're 90 in our bodies. So it fulfills this and, like you said, amazing if that's what you found for you and you like it right.
Audra:If that's what you found for you and you like it Right made a bunch of. My neighbor gave me a bunch of lemons, so I made limoncello and I made lemon curd. So I did that. I also, when I sit and watch TV with my husband, I crochet Because, honestly, that started because I can't sit. Still, that is the truth. I started that. I taught myself how to do that because otherwise I'd be up running around it keeps my hands busy.
Audra:It keeps my brain calm. But then there are other days that I want to sew. I learned how to sew during the pandemic. I love that. I want to put in a garden. I have this crazy burning desire to create something every single day and I just lean into it and besides, and a podcast, this is this is nothing but creation. It is the strangest thing.
Kathy:Yeah, to me it's not strange at all. It's not strange at all. During these last few seconds or minute, you have said the word create numerous times, but you've also told me that you felt really sad when your daughter got married and you felt empty nesters. One of our biggest creations as moms is creating kids. So you are naturally so in tuned with yourself that you're creating. You want to have that feeling of creating something Again. I think it's beautiful. And listening to yourself and saying I've gotten these lemons, what am I going to make? Like I think it's amazing. You it's obvious that you are in tune and and create. I think that's beautiful. I think it's beautiful.
Audra:Well, that that makes me feel better, because it's just this I have to do something every single day or else I don't feel like I've done anything that day, which is, like I said, very strange.
Audra:I I also have leaned into, uh, reading again and and I, like I said, very strange I also have leaned into reading again and I love reading and I used to absolutely love it and do it every single day, but I felt like there was so much to do. It felt selfish to sit and read for an hour or two or, if it was a really good book all night long. It felt selfish, so I got away from it, but now I'm giving myself permission to do it again. That's awesome. So it's an interesting. It's an interesting phase, and there's still things that I'm trying to figure out.
Audra:My biggest issue is getting quiet enough to hear that and in those those discussions those funny discussions of what do you want for dinner? I don't know what do you want for dinner I have found that it is easier for me to determine what I don't want than what I do. So it is my hope that if I start with the process of elimination, that eventually, if I get better at this practice instead of the process of elimination, I'll just know what I want, which is, I know, is just a flip. It's a flip of perspective. I'm just not quite there yet.
Kathy:And that's so and this is it's a great way to get started on it. It's a fabulous way and I think that it's, you know it. There's I don't even know that funny saying what is there many roads to China, I can't remember what it is. Anyways, you're going to get there. It just how you get there is unique to all of us, right, and so this process of elimination works fantastic.
Kathy:You know, and as you were talking and saying, to get in touch with yourself, like a suggestion, and I'm sure there's some listeners that related to the whole I need my hands to be busy while I'm watching TV. Some people need that for doing mindfulness. So you sit down and knit and your mind, you know you're not watching TV and you're not listening to a podcast. You're actually meditating while you're knitting and you're getting in touch and you're asking yourself these questions, right, and you're not listening to a podcast. You're actually meditating while you're knitting and you're getting in touch and you're asking yourself these questions, right, and you're re-meeting and relearning all about your inner child, if it helps you to keep your hands busy. I mean that's. Some people color, some people do the knitting right. Some people garden do the knitting right. Some people garden. So this mindfulness doesn't mean we just have to sit there and like, oh, it doesn't mean that at all. It does not mean that at all.
Audra:Well, for me, what that would mean is have to turn off the music, because music fills the void it fills the space it fills my head and I need to turn that off, even for five minutes.
Kathy:Yeah, yeah, definitely. Or do what you were saying before and 1% it right. Turn it down a little bit, switch it from like music with words to instrumentals, like just. You can slowly get your brain used to that quiet time.
Audra:Because that quiet time, at least for me, for a really long time felt selfish. Most women Because everybody needs something. Yes, always, everybody needs a piece of me. So being quiet by myself was a very selfish act. I realize now that it wouldn't have been a selfish act it was probably a selfless act so I can continue to help serve these people. Yeah, yeah, all asking me for something. But so it's a reprogramming for me, yeah, and a permission giving myself permission to do this, which is why I think midlife is so exciting.
Audra:Yeah, at least for me personally. I was very excited to turn 50. That's the year I started throwing myself a birthday party. Yes, and I encourage everybody to do this. Yeah, throw yourself a birthday party every single year, invite all of the friends that mean so much to you, all your family means so much to you, and throw a party to celebrate them. That's what I do. Oh, how fun. I love that, and it's just a wonderful way to say thank you for being in my circle and meeting me here in midlife.
Kathy:Yeah.
Audra:Oh, that's great, I love that. This has given me a lot of food for great. I love that and I want to give you an opportunity to have an intimate moment directly with the audience, to leave them with a lasting thought that they can contemplate and carry with them not only throughout today but maybe forward.
Kathy:Oh my gosh, I wish I had a chance to think about this. You know I have a midlife brain. I can't think this fast, but if I'm forced to, I guess, if I can pull from everything we said I would love to know how you're going to practice the pause. How will you utilize stop, how will you take a breath and observe and then proceed the way that you really want to? I mean, the things we've talked about, every tangible and intangible piece of guidance, advice that we've talked about today, take under a minute. They take less time. You can do this, and this is where we talked about how you were saying you know you give, give, give. Well, we're going to 1% that you can. You don't have to now take an hour and sit in the bath and read, right, you can if you want, and that's wonderful. But if, if it's an adjustment, just start with that 30 seconds of breathing and 30 seconds of listening, and I'd love just to know how it went for you. That's what I would love.
Audra:Well, I will report back to you my breathing and my 1% every single day, because I'm going to get good at this, because if anybody has gleaned anything about me is that I am an overachiever and I will work at it until I get it right.
Kathy:Well then, that's good. Start with a minute.
Audra:You're good, I'm going to start with a minute, kathy. We've just scratched the surface of the expertise that you bring to this and this is such an important topic and we don't talk about it enough or openly enough, because women just feel odd about talking about. We're excited for this midlife. It's a weird time. It's a happy time. It's also a confusing time, but something not to dread, something to really celebrate and really take in and go. This is a reward for our hard work. Totally. If the audience is listening and they're like I really want to know more, how would they reach you?
Kathy:Oh, certainly. Well, my website is always a great place to start kathypatistacom. But what's really fun is I have a YouTube channel called Teachings and Tangents where I have short little videos all about mood, mindset and mindfulness and definitely some fun tangents in there. And if you're looking for community, because nobody should have to do midlife alone I've started the Learning Circle, which is a group coaching membership program, and it is just amazing and so fun, so I would be thrilled to have you stop by YouTube or even the Learning Circle.
Audra:I will have all of those links in the show notes to just make life easy for everybody to go to them. I'm also going to check out the YouTube channel and I may just go ahead and link the one that you talked about, mindfulness and the example of how to do breathing. I think I will link that as well, just so people can see what it looks like.
Audra:Because, if people are visual learners, like I am, they need some help, so I'll link that as well. Awesome, I am so happy that you were able to spend this time with me and discuss this openly. I reserve the right to bring you back, because I have a feeling that we're going to get some feedback that will be super interesting and some additional questions to answer and respond to and some interesting topics as we move through midlife, because it is 35 years long.
Kathy:Yes, I would love to come back and any questions are welcome.
Audra:Kathy, again, thank you so much for being here, sharing your expertise, your laughter and your positive energy. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you, audrey, you're welcome and I want to thank all of you for listening and we'll see you again next time.
