Harness Your Power of Choice with Stef Ziev

What if you could harness the power of your choices to transform your life? This week, we sit down with the remarkable Stef Ziev, a former TV executive turned certified executive coach, keynote speaker, and best-selling author of "The Choice is Yours." Stef shares her compelling journey from the bustling world of the Oxygen Network to the fulfilling realm of coaching. Drawing inspiration from Viktor Frankl’s impactful lessons on choice and resilience, Stef reveals how consciously choosing our thoughts and words can dramatically influence our energy and outcomes.

Get ready to hear about the pivotal moments that shaped Stef's career, including an unforgettable epiphany at an event that involved a "infamous" firewalk experience. We discuss the winding paths of career discovery and the moments of clarity that moved Stef from managing people to helping them reach their full potential. You’ll learn about the importance of not surrendering your personal power, and how despite the circumstances you find yourself in, you always have the power to choose your response.

We also explore practical applications of making conscious choices in everyday life. From leadership challenges to shifting our mindset from obligation to intention, Stef offers valuable insights for high-powered executives, creatives, and leaders. Discover how a simple change in language—from "I have to" to "I choose to"—can unlock a new sense of agency and positivity. Finally, Stef shares exciting offerings for listeners, including free gifts and personalized coaching consultations. Tune in to this inspiring episode and empower yourself to lead a more fulfilling, intentional life.

https://stefziev.com/

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***Last thing- This is my WISH LIST of interviews:

• Joan Jett
• Dolly Parton
• Viola Davis
• Ina Garten

Maybe you can help a girl out...***

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***One last thing...I have an interview wish list because a girl's gotta dream

• Viola Davis
• Dolly Parton
• Ina Garten
• Joan Jett

Maybe one of you can help me out!

Thank you all for supporting this show and all Women in the Arena!

Transcript

Audra: 0:31

Welcome in everyone and thank you so much for joining me again this week. This week, my guest is Steph Ziv, and she is an amazing powerhouse. Let me tell you a little bit about her. First of all, she was an executive in the entertainment industry. She worked for such organizations like the Oxygen Network for about two decades, so she's worked with really amazing, dynamic organizations and people. She is a TV executive turned certified executive coach, keynote speaker and author of the best-selling book the Choice is Yours a simple approach to live and lead with more joy, ease and purpose. She has also been featured on NBC's Today Show on a reoccurring segment, Coach Me, If you Can, ABC's Good Morning America and on with Mario Lopez on iHeart Radio. She's here to talk to us about choice and the power of choice and what it can bring us. It is my pleasure and my honor to introduce to you, Steph. Thank you so much for being here and welcome to the show.

Stef: 1:40

Thanks, my friend, I appreciate you.

Audra: 1:43

Thank you. I love a good intro. Sometimes I trip myself up, which is so wonderful that we have the power of editing, so you guys don't always get to hear me screw up. But trust me, the intro is the hardest. And I did forget to say in the intro make sure you listen all the way through, because you do want to hear about Steph's story and she has a special gift for all of you. So make sure you listen all the way to the end so you can hear more about her and what she has in store for you. So don't forget that. So, steph, thank you again for being here, and what do you have in store for us today?

Stef: 2:20

So I think we're going to talk about that power of choice that you mentioned, because that is certainly my jam.

Stef: 2:28

I wrote a whole book about it. I bug my clients with it all day long. I'm like they're like I have to. I'm like you get to. They're like I need to, I go, you want to, I should, you can, you know.

Stef: 2:40

So it's like even the language that we use to tell ourselves stories will either energize us or deplete us, and it can really actually start with just words. It's, you know, because our thoughts are happening unconsciously and also consciously. But it's in our unconscious thoughts that, when we voice things, that it becomes very clear what energy we are leading with which is impacting the results we create. So it's, there is a lot of unconscious stuff going on. I think even there is an unconscious story that we often have, which is I don't have a choice.

Stef: 3:21

And in this day and age, in many cases that might be true, and one of the things I talk about in my book is the author and psychologist, viktor Frankl, who wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning, and he was in four different concentration camps during the Holocaust, and one of the things that he really focuses on in this book is talking about the opportunity that we have in every given moment to choose. So, even though he was in a concentration camp, that man still was choosing hope. He was choosing to live, he was choosing to keep his eye on the prize, which was to finish a manuscript to reunite with his wife. And those beliefs and that choice kept him alive. And unfortunately, some of those results did not happen in the way that he wanted and it still got him through like the worst case scenario.

Audra: 4:21

So words matter is what you're telling me, and you're also speaking from experience, because you didn't get here, you weren't born this way. You had a journey to get here. So I want to know a little bit about that journey. I did allude to in the beginning that you were a television executive for a really long time and you rubbed shoulders and elbows with some of the biggest names in the industry and I mean you were a big wig. I mean, what did you do and how did you find yourself from there to here?

Stef: 4:57

I mean, I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. I always wanted to be a talk show host. I really wanted to be Phil Donahue, which I know I'm dating myself, but I loved that man. For those who don't know who he is, he was kind of the OG of talk show hosts and he used to run up and down at the aisles and talk to the audience and get their you know, their questions for his guests and it was just a. It was like my everyday, you know, must see TV. So when I so, and that was when I was about 15. So, you know, as things as life, you know, went on.

Stef: 5:33

I did study communications in college and then I ended up going to Los Angeles and I did get into the entertainment industry, started as a production assistant I have lots of fun stories for that too and then eventually, you know, and I really did love it, I loved it, and then I moved to New York and that's when I actually started working for Oxygen. So I didn't work for Oxygen, so I hadn't. I didn't work for Oxygen for 20 years, but I was in the entertainment industry for over 15 years and in all different parts of it. So when I was at Oxygen, I had also well, let me step back one second. When I was at, when I was in LA, I actually did um, I did a master's program in psychology and I really loved it. And then, when I got, when I moved to New York and started my career in as a you know, a vice president of development at Oxygen, which meant I was, I was on the creative side. I was developing stories and scripts and creating movies and series and again, I loved. I loved my job, I loved my team.

Stef: 6:37

What ended up happening was my boss left and I loved her and then, instead of putting my hat in the ring, I made a very conscious choice with my counterpart, who was the VP on the West Coast, that we were not going to put our hat in the ring as the SVP, which I would not recommend to people going forward. That is a bad move in life. Always put your hat in the ring. I chose not to because I looked beyond and I thought I don't want that job. It took me away from people. It took me more into budgets and less into creative, and I didn't want it. It took me more into budgets and less into creative and I didn't want it.

Stef: 7:18

So in the process I had a new boss and it was like a perfect storm. I really didn't like my boss. I liked him, I didn't like working with him and I didn't like my boyfriend at the time and I had a moment where I was like you know what None of this is working for me and what I really miss and what I really love is personal and professional development workshops, and that's what I really want to do with my life. And I had someone say to me well, why don't you be a life coach? And I said I don't know what that is.

Stef: 7:58

It was 2006 when I first started that journey, so that was really a long time ago. You know, in terms of when kind of coaching came on the scene, there were certainly real pioneers from way back when, including the people that I learned from, but you know, it was not a thing at that time. So I had this moment where I kind of I broke up with a boyfriend. I still had my job, but I was quietly getting certified as a coach on the side while I was still a VP and having a full-time job, and you know this big thing. So there came a point where I basically NBC. There was a fire sale that needed to happen with with oxygen. Nbc came in to buy them and there was going to be kind of a drop. There was like December 3rd was the day when everyone was going to know what was happening, and so I was certified on November 12th of 07.

Stef: 8:49

And I had a moment where my COO called me in to her office and said and she was like I want you to know, the CEO and I are going to do everything to save you. We want to keep you here. And I found this moment where I want to say it was a conscious choice. But I had this moment where I think that it was a real moment of what am I going to do in this moment? And I felt as if this energy was like pushing me forward. And I found myself going Lisa, no. And I was like did I just say that out loud? Was that? Did that actually come out of my mouth? And then I admitted she's like what do you mean? I go? I then I said I just got certified as a coach. I think I want to give it a go. I'll take the severance and leave. Thank you very much. And on November 28th I was officially let go with my severance, and then the rest is a very wonky history.

Audra: 9:46

You had this energy of I'm going to give this a shot. I'm going to see what happens and figure out if this is what I'm meant to do, and through that pull, that energy, did you find out? Is that what you were supposed to do? I mean, I know that it's a long, wonky history and that's not where you ended up, but it was part of the path that led you to where you are today.

Stef: 10:14

No, it actually is where I ended up. It was just that I didn't have a map to get there. And so when I say wonky history, I mean I have, literally I have succeeded and failed a thousand times and they have been extraordinary failures, some extraordinary successes. And you know, and it is that is what led me here, you know so, and when I say here, I am thankfully in a place of success and I'm grateful and I love every second of what I do and I'm still thankfully in touch with all the people that I worked with in the entertainment industry, who I also adore and love, so like.

Stef: 10:56

But but it really was a moment where I was like I did look ahead and I was like I do not want that job, I cannot, my soul will not thrive in that scenario if I keep going on this trajectory. And I knew that what lit me up was personal and professional development and growth, and you know mindfulness and choice, you know so, yeah, but along the way, when I say the wonka do, I mean and you'll probably ask me a specific question, so I won't get ahead of myself- I will.

Audra: 11:34

Did you know at that point and I don't want to get ahead of myself and I don't want to spoil the story but did you know at that moment that you were laying the groundwork for this idea of the power of choice, of your choice? Did you know that? Was that a conscious thought? Or was that just a feeling that you're like I can't do this thought? Or was that just a feeling that you're like I can't do this? My soul is dying and if I do this one more day, I'm just going to shrivel up and die.

Stef: 12:02

Yeah, I think that was. That was more of the thought. It was just like. This is not like, like again, I had both.

Stef: 12:08

You know, I think a lot of us, I don't know that it's that it's ever very black and white for people. I think that there are aspects of one's job that we probably, like you know, or we could find that we, like I, really loved managing people right, but that's a good indicator of what I now do in some way. Not that I manage them, but I was coach. I was really always being a coach. You know, if I look back, I was a camp counselor. My first job was I was a regional director of a regional youth group. I have always been a coach in my core and so now there was just an honest, there was an industry for it and a career about it, and so I took it.

Stef: 12:52

No, I was not. It was not like I am a conscious choice creator at this point. That was not how I operated. In fact, my original brand when I first started was my last name in Hebrew. My last name, ziv. In Hebrew means to radiate light. It literally means the flame, like to radiate light, like around a candle, like around a flame, and so my first branding was get your shine on. So that was retired many years ago, but that was the original thing. The original thing was like because I think you know it was an indicator of like that I didn't have my shine on, I was not lit up by what I was doing, and that was a really big indicator of what helped me and probably physically pushed me to say, lisa, no, that changed the trajectory of my life.

Audra: 13:50

Well, I know that you said that you had lots of bumps and bruises along the way, which just sounds like life to me.

Audra: 13:52

I mean we all have bumps and bruises along the way, which just sounds like life to me. I mean that's, we all have bumps and bruises along the way, and I know that not all of it went fantastic. But you did share a story with me that you were, you were struggling and you had, you had won a ticket to an event, and I want you to talk about this event and how this is where you finally had this epiphany that I think led you to writing this book and led you to this clarity and this movement, and where this power of oh, I can choose. I absolutely can choose my circumstances, or I should say I shouldn't say I can choose my circumstances. I can choose my movements in these circumstances, because we can't always choose where we're at, but we can certainly choose how we behave where we're at. So I want you to share that story because, first of all, it's hilarious and, second of all, it's eyeopening and it's just wildly entertaining.

Stef: 15:03

So, yes, so you know, and I would say you can. You know how you relate to the issue, is the issue how you? You can always choose how you relate to the issue and you can always, you can always choose your response. Right, that's the whole. That was the Viktor Frankl thing you know he had said between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space we have the power to choose our response and in our response lies our growth and our freedom. So that's kind of the, that's like the whole essence of my, of what I want to, you know, expand further and share widely.

Stef: 15:38

So, yes, so what happened was after I left my job, I immediately went into what I would probably call like a cave, which was just my apartment, and I kind of like was like a lost puppy. I had no idea what I was doing, I had no idea what to do and I kind of hunkered down and just tried my best to make everything pretty right. I had my brand and my website and, like, I was just building on my systems and not really doing the work. So I didn't. So anyway, a few years into this experience of not really getting what I needed and also, having made you know, sitting on the couch often with my best friends, ben and Jerry, and gaining lots of weight with their presence. There was one night where it was really like this is about three years in and my you know money was running out. I New York is an expensive city I really had no prospects, I really had no clients and I really like it was bad. So I had a little bit of a wake-up call where I was getting ready to leave my apartment and sublet it and move back home with my parents at age 40. And kind of the week before I did that, I was flipping through. You know, in desperate times what do we do? We flip through the channels. Back in the day, when there were channels that you flip through and I landed on QVC, which is not something I've ever done before, but Tony Robbins was speaking. You know the weak self in me was giving you know. Turn to Tony to give me all the answers. Turned to Tony to give me all the answers and I ordered with basically no money. I ordered whatever he was selling and so in the mail came all of this stuff plus a ticket to go to Unleash the Power Within. So I did move home, I lived with my parents for two months. I turned 41 on their sofa.

Stef: 17:36

It was not a good time With my tail between my legs. I did move back to the city, I did get a job back in the entertainment industry because I knew that was the fastest way to make cash and just to build myself back up a little bit and I had clients on the side, but it was both and but I still like I had. Really it was not a good time and I really had lost a lot of my mojo. So I had this ticket and I decided to go and I did. I went by myself, which I wouldn't recommend to anyone and, um, I went by myself in a sea of 5,000 people and one of the things that I knew was going to be there was something called a firewalk and it literally is that you are walking on fire, and I knew in my head at the time I didn't really want to do it, but I kept saying out loud this is part of it and I'm so afraid of everything right now and if I don't walk on the fire, I'm never going to get what I need. And I was like telling myself this whole story and the day and, honestly, my experience also was like when I went to the, when I went to the event on the first day before the event actually starts, there's a lot of people milling around who have already done this at past events and they are like disciples. They are like this is, they talk about it Like it is. You know, is the holy grail of transformation Cut to after a 14-hour day, on the first day we go and I find myself walking with 5,000 people to this open-air parking lot with all of these burning beds of you know 2000 degree Fahrenheit rocks that are on these.

Stef: 19:16

You know, I don't know how many there are, but there's a lot. And we're all walking and chanting yes, yes, yes. And I I can't help but feel a little nervous as a Jewish woman. It was not, I did not like that, so, but I kept. But the whole thing also was like Tony kept saying no one's going to let you cross the rocks unless you are in state, right? So I was like, okay, I'm not in state, then I'm not going to have to go, someone else is going to stop me from this crazy choice, right.

Stef: 19:46

And so I end up getting up to the burning rock and I'm really freaking out. I mean like there's a woman behind me, you know doing her, yes, yes, yes. And I turned to her and I'm like, I know I'm, this is, I can't. What is? She's like, just dance, I'm like, but dance. I'm like. I started, like I don't know what I'm doing. So, anyway, I get up to the, to the bed, and again I am turning to the woman who was standing there, who was not going to let me walk, and she's not going to let me walk, and no one's going to let me walk because I'm not in state. And anyway, it ends up and I'm like I'm yelling over the din of 5,000 people, I am not in state, and this woman is like a Stepford Housewife and she's like go.

Stef: 20:26

And then I found myself like running across not running, but like walking quickly across the burning bed, and at the end of it everyone is jumping up and down and I'm like my feet are burning. My feet are burning and I really thought I had burned my feet to the bone and I, like you know, gingerly walked myself over to a little, you know, to a staircase that had some, some light, and I was like terrified to look at my, at my feet, and I, I did, and finally, and I saw that they were smooth and nothing happened. But the light, the burn was, you know, the fire was burning within me. Let's just say I was so angry at myself at that moment that I had let myself do this right, that I gave my power to Tony, I gave my power to the woman, I gave my power to all the people walking with me, I gave my power to all these yes chanting people and no one stopped me, including myself, from walking across this fire. And I was, I was. It brought up so much stuff in me about like what if I really did burn myself Right, like it made me think about, as I had mentioned to you years ago, there was a, there was a another, you know, motivational speaker person who, who had, who did a sweat lodge in Arizona, and there were people who died because they didn't, they didn't remove themselves when they didn't feel good, because this guy was saying just breathe through it or you are, you're stronger than the whatever.

Stef: 22:01

And the truth is they, there was, this was not constructed properly and they died. And and I, my head, I'm like, oh my goodness, like what could have happened with, with this, with this moment that I that I did not take care of myself, and it terrified me, to be honest, and so I was not happy for the rest of the time, and I really. But yet I stayed at this event and it wasn't until the last day of the event where I was sitting next to this perfect stranger woman, and she was a very sweet Midwestern woman, and I said what time is this over? Like, please, dear God, let it be over. Now. She's like oh, it doesn't end till seven tonight. This is like seven in the morning. She goes wasn't that firewalk? Fantastic. And I was like, at that moment I realized like, oh, my goodness, I am not shackled to this chair, no one is keeping me here, there is a door I can walk through, and I did. And I walked through the door and I left and it was like I just I felt like I felt my freedom for the first time in a way that I never did, and it just struck me Like I put myself in that position.

Stef: 23:10

And there's a whole other part to this which I'll share in a second, but I will let you know that this is the introduction to my book and I titled this Fuck you, firewalk.

Stef: 23:23

But to that point. Let me just say I also do have a saying with my clients, and I have posted about it, called Fuck you, thank you, which is for every fuck you there is a thank you on the other side. So it is, and everyone, everyone who loves the firework would be like but you definitely got something out of it, even if it was like a fuck you. I'm like, yes, I did, and you know, and I take responsibility for my choice, unconscious as it was, wrapped up in all my perfection and all my perfect child and all my stuff as it was, and it was my choice, you know. But the theme so far as I gave my power away, I made a choice that wasn't in service to really my best. I thought this thing was going to do something that would, you know, impact me in the moment in a way that was not the way it impacted me in the moment, right, and so there's lessons to be learned.

Audra: 24:21

You said a lot of things. First of all, in state, I have questions. Yes, what in the world does in state mean? That's a great question.

Audra: 24:28

I don't know what this means For the record. And you, when you and I spoke before you asked me about Tony Robbins and I said I don't really know, I said I can't figure out if he's a genius or a charlatan. So that's why I've never done anything about it, because I can't decide, because there's there's a very fine line, so I, I can't, I can't decide, so I don't know what the end state is. I'm very uncomfortable with the whole chanting thing. That makes me very, very uncomfortable. So what does in-state supposed to mean?

Audra: 25:05

Do you like levitate or what?

Stef: 25:06

is this thing. I'm sure there are people levitating. I was not one of them. In-state literally means look, here's the thing the concepts are fine, like they're fine right. Like in-state just means I'm going to get myself in a state of mind that is going to allow me to take a risk, it's going to allow me to align with all the parts in me that are going to put me in a state of fierceness that I can do anything. I mean, we can sit here right now. If we stood up right now and walked in a circle and sat back down, we would change our state right.

Stef: 25:39

So it's a very simple, you know, common thing that coaches do that. We do. You know, we know we can change our, we can always change our state of mind. Like, I can ask your audience right now like, what do you do to change your state of mind? You might go for a run, you might call a friend, you might see a movie, you might, you know, like, think about it. There's all these normal ways that we change our state Right.

Stef: 26:04

And so when he was talking about it, it was like there were people like karate, chopping the air and getting into warrior pose and like really kind of. And also another way to change state is you know, whenever you, whenever we succeed in something that's kind of like the universal, you know, rocky, when you're on the top of them I'm dating myself with my references, but you know, all champions will put their. We all put our hands in the air when, when we win right, it's like a thing and there is something about like chin up hands in the air. It changes your state and it gets you into a state of action and a state of believability and a state of strength and confidence. And so, whatever that is for you, he was asking us to create confidence, a move that would get us into our state, and his was like you know, like a superhuman or Superman or superhero type thing, I don't know, it was I, I'm a very bad actor and I'm not really a fan of like.

Stef: 27:01

I was not that kid that like went to a movement class. I was like, can I just use my words Like? This is you know, and my words are I am not in state. Like that was my state. I am not in state.

Audra: 27:16

And I will agree with you that, even though that was a horrible experience for you, it did change you. Something flipped on inside you and went oh my God, I don't ever want to do that again. And something completely turned on when you went. Oh my God, i've't ever want to do that again. And something completely turned on when you went. Oh my God. I've been giving myself away for my entire life and I will concur with that. There's something happened to me around 49 or 50 where I realized, oh my God, I've been giving pieces of myself away for my entire life because of all the different labels I wear. First I was a daughter, then I was a student and then I was a wife and then I was a mother and then I was an employee. Every single label I wear, I give a piece of myself away and I always wore myself. I wore the label and then thought that the choice went with the label and it wasn't until, like I said, something happened when 49 or 50, the light bulb suddenly turns on and I'm like holy shit.

Stef: 28:28

I don't want to do this. I would add woman to that too, as a label right.

Stef: 28:34

Because, I would you know as, again, as people are listening, you know, what as a woman have we done? You know, have you done, have I done, to give our power away to whether it's men, a boss, society, it could be another woman, you know, like a guru. You know where have we made choices to diminish ourselves and our knowing versus trusting our gut? Right? And I think that that's, that is what happened for me in that moment. I was like, oh my lordy, this was giving my power away at a dangerous level, you know, and that was my wake-up call for sure. And then I got to put it to practice later.

Audra: 29:25

Tell us about the practice, tell us about this the choice is yours Because this is powerful. And for those that have never heard that, that they've, that the power is in their hands and I know that that sounds radical, that sounds like what do you mean? That you've never heard that the choice is yours? Some people have never heard that they hold all the power because it's never been taught to us, because you alluded to that by saying being a woman how many times? As because you know most of my audience is women that we were taught you need to be a good girl. Good girls don't do this. Nice girls, don't do this.

Audra: 30:05

Or if you're a woman in in business heaven forbid women in business. If you want to survive, don't. If you want to survive, don't do this. Don't make yourself look too aggressive. Don't be this, don't be that. I mean. And there's all these different rules that are, first of all, are always contradictory to each other, always. And you're like well, what am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? And so you feel like all the choices are made for you in a lot of situations. So you forget that you have options, that you have choices. So when you put it down, you know pen on paper, and you're absolutely declaring that you absolutely have choice. That is a radical statement.

Stef: 30:56

Yeah, I mean, the choice is yours is actually it's like we say it all the time right, but I don't think we ever think about it. So that was what I wanted to shine light on too. It's like the choice is yours. Oh wait, the choice is really mine. I get to actually have a stake in the game here. I get to have Like I get to actually have a stake in the game here. I get to have agency. I get to go against the grain if that's better for me and right for me. And I, you know, I get to really sit and make the conscious choice. Because the other part of it is like we're making choices all the time.

Stef: 31:26

I made a choice to walk across that fire. Was it a conscious part of me? No, the way I think about it is like I say who's sitting at the head of your table? That's how I think about it. We all have these different parts of us sitting around the table at any given moment. Right, we have happy, sad, we have confidence, doubt, we have worthy, unworthy, and then we all have individual parts. I said I have the perfect child, or perfection sits at my table. Who sits at your table, audra? Anyone?

Audra: 31:57

else Any other part of you? Well, I am the oldest and I am the oldest daughter, so that comes with all kinds of stuff. So it's perfectionist. It is the caretaker, it's the you always come last, never ask for help. The list goes on and on.

Stef: 32:14

Right, the lone wolf, that's a good one, right, exactly, other people might have the well, the pleaser, or the martyr is a big one. You know, you know and on and on, everybody will. I'm sure that everyone's thinking right now like, keep thinking about who's sitting at the table, and the question in any given moment is what part of you is sitting at the head of the table? Because that part is the authority, who is really in charge in that moment and what that part is doing. The word inside of authority is author, so that part of you is then authoring a story that you are then enacting, you are experiencing, it is leading the way. So I was telling myself a story like I have to, in air quotes, do this firewalk in order to get to my next level in life. Right, that was the story I was telling myself. The author of that story was perfection was diminished. Right, it was like Tony says, you have to do this in order to get to the next level of life. And in my brain, the other part of that story was there's no other choice except this one, right? So that's and what I think is so fascinating is that I, with all the things that I brought into that story, made that choice to walk across and didn't think I had a choice to do otherwise.

Stef: 33:33

And there's a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. She also did a TED Talk about it and she talks about the power of introverts and I am not an introvert, I am an extrovert. But she talks about going to a Tony Robbins event as to observe the ultra extrovert right and in doing so didn't even occur to her to walk across the fire. She just observed everybody doing it. She didn't. It was an immediate not even a consideration for her. She was like, not for me, you know, and I was like what? That was radical for me? I was like, oh, introvert, anyway. So, but what ended up happening was a few months later, after I walked on the fire is maybe not a few months, it was probably a year or two later.

Stef: 34:22

I ended up doing this leadership program and in the leadership program I was a participant and in the leadership program there were about 40 or 50 of us, maybe 50, there were about 50 of us, and part of the curriculum was a ropes course and if you know for those of you who've never heard of that or you don't know what it is, it's basically a series of exercises or events that are high, there's a low, there's low ropes course and high ropes courses, and you are doing all these trust exercises with yourself and others, and it's both to build team and it's to build confidence, and it's all the same stuff that anyone might get from doing teamwork or team building. But some of these included really high events where one is called a pamper pole, where you climb up, you're hooked up to harnesses but you're still out in the woods and you're climbing up like an old, like a telephone pole. At the top is a very wobbly metal plate, if you will. You have to somehow hoist yourself on top of that without holding onto anything and then from there you jump off onto a trapeze and then you go and then you're, you're let down by your peers.

Stef: 35:35

Well, I was like I'm not doing this. So before the course, even you know, really on the first day of the course, we were asked to agree to all the things, all the curriculum that that we were going to do, and we had to raise our hands. And so I didn't raise my hand when asked about the the um, when asked about the ropes course, and I said and the woman came over to me. She's like, what's going on? I'm like I'm not doing that. And she said well, how do you know I go? I know I'm, I'm, I can tell you I'm not doing it. She goes well, why don't you just wait till you get there? I go, no, I'm not doing it. And so I and I didn't have the words beyond I'm not doing it, which were enough, but I didn't have the exact like. I didn't know how this was going to actually play out, because I really wanted to be in this course, I really wanted to do the leadership program, but I was like a no for the for the for the thing. So somehow she let me stay and the day came for the ropes course.

Stef: 36:29

It was a gross day in the morning. We had to wake up at like five o'clock in the morning, which was already not for me, and we and we went and um, and so the guy, the way, the guy, the way the guy was like in charge of, of safety and all the things that here's how it's going to work. Everybody's going to get in front, everyone's going to stand up in front of the each station and you're going to say my name is and I choose to do this event. And suddenly I was like I know what I'm doing. And so we went on the day and everyone was looking at me because they knew where I started with this and I was like this is not going to happen. So I went up, everyone went up, my name is, I choose to do this event. I get up and I go, my name is Steph and I choose not to do this event. And then I did a happy dance and everyone looked at me with like a combination of envy and resentment.

Stef: 37:21

But I did not do any event.

Stef: 37:23

I did one event. Actually. I did one thing, which was a crazy thing when I look back, where I did like a fall back into the whole crowd from a platform. I did it like the trust fallback and they caught me. So it was okay, but I chose to do that.

Stef: 37:37

That was a conscious choice. I made a choice to do that and so it felt different, right. And I also made a conscious choice to not do all the other things. So I always say to my clients it's like whether you do it or don't do it, choose it right. You can just as easily choose. If I can choose to not go to the gym, as opposed to just resenting and resisting the fact that I should go to the gym, or I can choose to go to the gym, you know. So it's like that changes your state too. So that was my big lesson and that was kind of you know, and then, and and that has that changed the game for me and I started to really speak in terms of I choose to, I get to, I want to, or I choose not to.

Audra: 38:18

What has this been as far as the impact with the people you work with? I mean you. I mean you as I spoke to in to in the intro, that you are an expert that they are relying on for NBC ABC. What has been the impact with your clients? When you change the narrative to I have to, to I want to, when you have a choice, or I don't want to, what's?

Stef: 38:48

changing in their life. Well, can I ask you, I mean just in this moment, how does it? What's the difference for you when you say I should or I have to versus I get to and I want to? Oh?

Audra: 38:59

that's. There's a change in my posture, there's a change in my chemistry. There's a change in how I feel with I get to means. I look forward to it when I have to. I feel like I'm shrinking inside. I'm sitting here as we're recording right now. I'm sitting in my gym clothes because I get to go to the gym. I already planned my whole day and I know when I get to go to the gym because I chose the time and I get to go because that's the choice I've made. Now, when I'm like, oh, I have to go to the gym, everything seems to go haywire, including when I get to the gym. It's a disaster, so that's what happens.

Stef: 39:50

So it sounds like.

Audra: 39:51

Yeah, go ahead. So that's what happens. So it sounds like and the hardest part of going to the gym is getting there. It's not actually being there, it's getting there. So if I change and that's with everything that's hard. So for me, if I change the way I'm talking to myself about it, I take the hard out of the process of getting there.

Stef: 40:20

Yeah, and I mean that's an awesome answer and that is very typical for my clients. I mean I work with the C-suite and senior leaders and established entrepreneurs and high-level creatives in the entertainment industry. I mean those are my people, right, and for each one of those, shifting their language, their attitude, their state of mind, if you will, and their you know, and the stories that they're telling themselves and who's sitting at the head of the table to lead with choice, to understand their value, to understand their options, to understand their power, it has expanded the possibilities for them in their business, in their creative outlets, in their opportunities, and it is also, in many cases, it's expanded their impact and increased their bottom line. So it's like I think that, because you know it's like joy begets joy, right, choice begets choice and you know, upset begets upset. It's like we, the energy we put out, we attract. So if we're leading with have to and dread, and you know, upset or worry or fear or stress or anxiety, that is what we are, that's what we're pouring into our, our action, which is creating our results. I always say this to my clients, you know, if it's like, I don't care what room you're in, it could be a zoom room, it could be a conference room, it could be a dining room, but if we are unconscious about the energy that's sitting around that table, then all of that unconscious energy is what we are mixing into the results that we're creating. So business and teams and bottom lines and output have transformed by even just the simple act of.

Stef: 42:27

I have my clients do this all the time. Before they get on a call, whether it's just one before they get on a call, or when they get to a meeting, they affirm in their way who's sitting at the head of the table. They might say it to themselves If it's a team, if it's a team that they're running, they'll say they have brought this into the, into the zoom room or the board room or the conference room, and they say let's go around who's sitting at the head of everyone's table right now? And then you know, because they want to be on, they want to really be mindful about what's getting infused into this meeting. And it does change the game when there's an acknowledgement of like. I'm committed to bringing joy. I'm committed to bringing clarity. I'm committed to bringing you know generosity. I'm committed to bringing clarity. I'm committed to bringing you know generosity. I'm committed to bringing curiosity into this meeting or into this conversation, and it does impact everything else. It's extraordinary.

Audra: 43:21

What I think is really interesting through all of that, which is not only the power of changing your thought process, changing your mind, changing your words, changing your attitude, but at the beginning of that, you explained who your clients are, and these are people that we would consider to be high powered or, you know, high executives or or people that we would look up to and we would think are other, are excluded from us, are distant from us, but you're telling me they are the same, and that's kind of the point. That's kind of all the point is that they are the same. It doesn't matter what their title is, what their job is, what their bank account is. Nothing, none of that matters. The only thing that is different between them and us, the little people, is maybe how they change their minds.

Stef: 44:25

Yeah, I wouldn't even affirm that there's an us and them.

Stef: 44:30

You know, I don't think it's little people, big people, it's just people. You know, people are people, and whether you're a leader of an of an organization or a fortune, you know 500 company, or you're a leader of of a household, like it doesn't really matter. You know, even I I'm not a parent, so I can't speak to this, but I do think that you know, there I, I offer this as an option, as an opportunity to you know how you relate to the issue. Is the issue, how you choose to be with the way in which you're talking to your children is a choice, right, and I understand in the moment it might not be an easy one and it might be something that you know instinct takes over or rage or something, or exhaustion or whatever it is. But but I think that to bring choice back into the conversation and have it be an option for people, I think can change a lot of things.

Stef: 45:24

It's like, I think the gym one and even like even even the choice to eat something, like these are silly examples, but I think that they're an everyday, universal example. It's like if you choose to eat the cake, then it's an enjoyable experience. If you are going to beat yourself up while you're eating the cake. What's it going to do? It's going to stick to you longer, right? There's not any flow, there's just anger and upset and judgment.

Audra: 46:06

It's yucky right. So it's just like where else are we doing that in our lives and what can we choose to do differently? So they were difficult. They were not angels. They still are strong-willed children and have no problem voicing that and my favorite way of choice and changing the narrative and trying to change the way the situation was going, especially when there was an argument between the two. And then I'm trying to step in and try and wrangle them.

Audra: 46:35

When it was getting out of hand, I would say all right, that's it, and I would grab the keys and I would leave. And then I would say where are you going? And I said I'm going to the bathroom and he would say where are you? I am not going to make a good choice in this conversation. I am not. So I am going to leave because they were teenagers, they could handle a mommy timeout for 15 minutes. I'm going to leave. I'm going to go take a ride and then when we get back, we can talk through this, because if I continue to stay here, this is not going to end well for any of us.

Audra: 47:16

That's amazing awareness. So I'm leaving. So normally I would leave, I would go to Sonic and get myself a slushie and then come back. By the time I got back they were calm and we could talk calmly about it. But I had the awareness I didn't realize that I was making a choice. I just knew that if I continued to stay, I knew myself enough that I'm like if I stay, this is going to get ugly, and I don't want to make it ugly because it doesn't need to be.

Stef: 47:52

Right, that's amazing.

Audra: 47:54

It wasn't until I got older that I realized that I was making choices and I now just try to be more aware and make more of them. I try to be more aware and more conscious of the reality and the here and now and make more of them on purpose rather than on accident.

Stef: 48:17

Yeah, yeah, I mean, it is a practice of awareness, for sure I think we are.

Stef: 48:23

You know, you think about how many choices we're making per day, unconsciously even, even you know. I mean, I live in New York city, so I don't have a car, but I do drive on occasion, but even driving, driving is you're making a million, but I do drive on occasion, but even driving, driving is you're making a million unconscious choices in any given moment. Right, but we're not consciously thinking about it. So it is really a practice and I would encourage people to you know, just really be mindful about who's sitting at the head of your table before you start a meeting and if it's like anxiety or fear or or or exhaustion or whatever, acknowledge it. But then, if you can choose it to, to put a different part there so that you can lead with, you know, love or joy or excitement or whatever it is that you'd want to put there, see what the difference is at the end you know, and see what the result is and the outcome, and then those are the going to be the incremental changes that are going to have, you know, exponential results.

Audra: 49:18

Cause you don't want to do a firework walk you don't want to do no no, you do not want to do a firework Never again, or a ropes course or anything.

Stef: 49:28

I got to tell you a quick funny story. I recently was. Uh, someone reached out to me about co-authoring a book, and by co-authoring a book they mean you pay them to co-author the book and the sell for the co-authoring of the book is that I would be on the front cover with Tony Robbins.

Audra: 49:48

Oh, I'm sure that went over well. I said to the guy I go um.

Stef: 49:54

So let me tell you something about the opening of my book. I may not be the right choice. I said I may not be the right choice for that book, but thank you so much.

Audra: 50:06

The power of choice, exactly.

Stef: 50:10

I choose not to be on the cover of that book. Thank you so much.

Audra: 50:14

Now, of those of you that think Tony Robbins is awesome, that's great, that's fantastic.

Stef: 50:19

There's many elements that are awesome about Tony Robbins. I mean, his work is great, you know, but the power is yours, yes, that's it.

Audra: 50:31

The power is yours, not his.

Stef: 50:33

Totally. And there's something extraordinary. Look again, I want to be clear. I own my experience right. I chose to give my power away, I chose to walk across that fire, so I take responsibility, and I think that that's part of this right. We get to choose to take personal responsibility, which really is just our ability to respond to our circumstances or to a circumstance, and then we, you know, then we go from there, but it's, it is a con, I don't, I don't make Tony Robbins bad or wrong. I mean he's, he's, he is who he is and he's doing what he's doing. And amen and God bless, you know, and I, I probably will choose to not go to another Tony Robbins event.

Audra: 51:19

Yeah, Because the reality is is that you've got all the power you need.

Stef: 51:23

And I got what I needed right. So you got everything you need. Yeah, thanks, tony, yeah.

Audra: 51:31

This has been awesome. This has been so much fun. This is, like I said, said it's been enlightening, wildly entertaining and also I I hope that everybody got something out of it and is being thoughtful about. Huh, I wonder about what kind of choices that I've been making, unconsciously, that maybe I need to start being thoughtful about and going. Maybe I need to make a better choice. And I did promise at the beginning that you have something special to offer people, so what do you have in mind to offer people?

Stef: 52:02

that are a little bit special for everyone. I have two things. One is you can buy my book, which I highly recommend you do. You can buy it anywhere where books are sold, but what I would recommend is if you go to my website, which is stephzivcom, and I think we'll probably put the link somewhere accessible so you know how to spell my name.

Stef: 52:27

If you go to although I can say it too my name is S-T-E-F, like Frank, and then last name Z like zebra, i-e like Edward V Victorcom.

Stef: 52:37

And if you go to my website, you'll see a book page and in there you can press a button that says order now and get your free gift.

Stef: 52:46

So you can order from anywhere, right, but if you come back to that page, that order page, and you put in your receipt number, you will immediately get free gifts, one of which is you'll get chapter two right away, which is called your Story Sucks, change it, and you'll also get a recording, a 30-minute recording of basically like a Q&A I did early on when the book first came out, and hopefully that'll answer some questions as well. And the other thing I would like to offer is that I, if you so choose, you are welcome to schedule a complimentary 30 minute coaching consultation with me, and we can do anything that is um. You know I can. I can support you in any way, shape or form you want, whether that's something that you want to talk about, something for your company to bring me in to speak, or do workshops or work with your leaders, and or if it's an individual situation. I can support you with whatever is up for you right now and certainly if there's anything about shifting your choices, I'm here for you.

Audra: 53:59

I highly recommend you do any and all of those, because she's very intelligent, she's incredibly engaging and she's just a lot of fun. I mean, she and I spent an hour and a half very first time we met and it was like we knew each other forever. So I highly recommend you do that, because she's just a pleasure to get to know. Steph. This is my favorite part of the show. If you've been listening for a little bit, this is my favorite part where I get to shut up and step back from the mic, because I give you an opportunity to have an intimate moment directly with the audience, for you to say something directly to them, to give them a lasting thought for them to take with throughout their day, throughout their week, for them to hang on to.

Stef: 54:46

The mic is yours. Oh, my goodness, my instinct is to read you my page and my last, the conclusion of my book, which is a page and a half, but it's out of reach, so I'm not going to do that, but I will say this. I will tell you one thing that's in the last, in the conclusion of the book, is this old story about a Cherokee elder and his grandson. And you may or may not know this, but even if you do, it's still. I love hearing it multiple times. But there's a story. The story goes.

Stef: 55:17

There was a Cherokee elder and his grandson, and the grandson said within each one of us, there are two wolves and they're having a fight and one is filled with all this evil and hatred and the other one is filled with love and light and goodness and kindness and generosity and vibrance and all these other things.

Stef: 55:42

And the grandson said which one will win, which wolf will win? And the elder said the one you feed. So, in the spirit of who's sitting at the head of the table and you get to choose. You get to choose which wolf you feed within you, and there might be multiples, right, but this is something that I really do believe that when we are connected to and committed to choosing from these higher and better parts of ourselves. That that is what we are rippling out to the world, and I think especially and the world starts with us, and then our families, and then our communities, and then our nations, and then our global community and I really believe in that ripple that begins with our choice to consciously choose who we're being, which is ultimately fueling our actions, which is creating our results, and I invite you to really be conscious and mindful and give yourself permission to make that choice, knowing that the choice is yours. Thank you, steph.

Audra: 56:45

I think that was perfect. Thank you so much for being here and thank you for sharing your wisdom, your experience, your firewalk with all of us and with the audience. I appreciate you very much for being here.

Stef: 56:59

Audra, you are a delight and I thank you for the work you're doing and the voices that you are amplifying, including your own, and I appreciate you making this choice to do this podcast. It's awesome and you're awesome and your audience is awesome and I'm excited to meet them. Thank, you.

Audra: 57:17

I hope that. I hope that they all enjoy getting to know you as I have, and I want to thank you all again for listening this week, and we'll see you again next time.